


my high hopes (are getting low)

by cthulhuliet



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Dubious Morality, Getting Together, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, I am sorry but the Kira task force is homophobic :/, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Love Confessions, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Yotsuba Arc (Death Note), Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Slurs, slaps lid of fic- this baby can fit so many unnecessary biblical references
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-25
Packaged: 2021-03-28 21:27:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30145830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cthulhuliet/pseuds/cthulhuliet
Summary: 'Cause myHigh hopes are getting low because these people are so oldThe way they think about it allIf I tried I would never knowLight Yagami's world view is shifted after a conversation with his father concerning L's sexuality. Anger in his veins and unconfessed feelings bubbling to the surface, Light and L enact a plan of revenge against the homophobic views of the task force.
Relationships: L/Yagami Light, Ryuk & Yagami Light
Comments: 14
Kudos: 85





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone, I really hope you enjoy this fic. This turned out to be much longer than I intended and much more dramatic. I have already written all 3 parts, and the ratings will change at the 3rd part because it is almost entirely smut. 
> 
> Also this work was heavily inspired by the song "Parents" by Yungblud, so give that a listen as well!

Waving down the waiter, and grabbing his 3rd drink of the night, he took a large swig of the drink before returning to the conversation in front of him, politely laughing at a story Aizawa was in the middle of animatedly telling. Light was celebrating.

Out of the task force headquarters for the first time in months brought him a certain amount of joy, an extreme weight of his chest- or rather weight off his wrist. With his memories back, himself and Misa cleared of any suspicions thanks to the fake rules he constructed in the Death Note, Light had won. 

Of course, there was still much work that needed to be done. This roadblock had lasted longer than Light wanted or anticipated, but no matter. To achieve everything the world needed was going to take time and effort- time and effort that he alone could commit to. He needed to be rid of L as well. Foolish, stupid Misa forgot his name, so that was simply another obstacle he would need to pass. But no matter, tonight was for celebration. 

The celebration at a bar only miles away from task force headquarters is not exactly where he would have chosen, but Ryuzaki insisted that if the task force were going out into the public to to celebrate they were to not stray far from headquarters. Light idly looked around the lowlights of the bar, shaking his head into his beer. He wouldn’t be surprised if L had every shop within a 5 mile radius littered with cameras and bugs. 

“Attention everyone,” Soichiro stood up, hold his glass out to the detectives, “I would like to make a toast: this is to all your hard work, the long hours, the uncertainty of tomorrow, the progress we made, and-” He pointedly looked at Light , “To the clearing of names.” He raised his glass, “To Light!” 

“To Light!” The detective’s echoed, Matsuda softly clapping, and Aizawa giving him a sock to the arm. 

“How’s it feel to be a free man?” His father asked, eyes shining behind his glasses. 

Light chuckled, “Father, this is the best I have felt in a long time,” 

“Here, here!” Mogi agreed. 

“Fresh air, sun on your face,” Matsuda mused, “Boy, that Ryuzaki really doesn’t get out much, does he?” 

“Can you imagine him coming out to a bar like this, or even a restaurant or gym?” 

“No wonder he is so skinny,” 

“And pale,” 

Light shook his head, “Hey now, no need for any of that,” He took a quick sip of his beer, “You guys may know him, but I was  _ chained _ to Ryuzaki, ok? Talk to me when you get kicked in the face by him,” The table roared with laughter, Light smirked to himself. “Might just get a kick of PTSD when I eventually do get to cuff Kira,” 

Soichiro shook his head, smiling, “We are closer than ever, I can feel it. The real Kira is in our grasp, now that we are all cleared,” 

Light huffed dryly, “Well, some of us aren’t fully in the clear,” 

Soichiro sighed, resting his chin in the palm of his hand. Light looked into his father’s eyes: determination but exhaustion were swimming behind his pupils- Light hates L for causing his father so much stress. Even the hardest working, most respectable men need time stress free. God himself created a day of rest for a reason. 

“Ryuzaki will come around, I am sure of it,” He idly scratched the stubble on his cheek, eyes on Light but mind elsewhere, “I am not exactly sure what more proof he needs… The young man’s pride is getting in the way of his deductive skills,” 

“He did say at one point he did want Light to be Kira…” Matsuda chimed it. 

“Precisely,” Soichiro took a long drink, “He will come around, I am sure of it. I mean, look at us now. Even a few weeks ago, and outing such as this was completely out of the realm of possibilities,” 

“I am more surprised Ryuzaki himself didn’t come with us just to keep tabs on what we are talking about,” 

“Matsuda, you are insane if you believe that he wouldn’t find out some way or another,” 

“Ahh, yeah. A small part of me wishes Ryuzaki would come out with us, though. I do have to admit that I am mildly curious as to what he would drink,” Matsuda shrugged. 

Soichiro grunted, shaking his head, “I am sure each of us wishes that we knew Ryuzaki just a little bit more. We simply have to make our own interpretations based upon the small bits of information and hints he drops us,” 

Light nodded, a small smile on his face, “That man would probably be an even longer investigation than the Kira one,” 

The table nodded, but Aizawa drummed his finger on the table, “You guys say that, but I already know everything that I need to know about that little freak,” 

Aizawa took a long sip of his whiskey, the detective’s eyes narrow and angry. It had been obvious to most of the task force that he never liked Ryuzaki: Aizawa’s short temper and L’s aloofness often clashed, but there also seemed to be something else bubbling under the surface- and itch that needed some sort of external validation to be scratched. 

“What do you mean, Aizawa?” Light probed the detective. If he for some reason and somehow got more information about L… 

Aizawa looked around, now holding the full attention of the table in the palm of his hand. He rubbed behind his earlobe, his voice sharp and intense, “I was talking with Wedy and Aiber after the arrest of Higuchi. Just idly chatting. I was curious about their history with Ryuzaki. What kind of criminal would endear themselves to the most prolific detective? When did they even get close enough to be on call for him?” Aizawa idly cracked his knuckles, looking down at the stain wood of the table, recounting the events from that night, “It seems as though those two know Ryuzaki better than we do,” 

Light’s skin felt as though it was on fire. He had never had much interest in the detective, but his attention was solely focused on Aizawa. Whatever it was, whatever Aizawa found out from the two con-artists, he simply had to know, his need and curiosity were going to burn him alive if the normally straight-forward cop didn’t speak faster. 

“What did you find out,” Soichiro frowned, “Like, his history or name or something,” 

Light wanted to scream. 

Aizawa shook his head, sipping the brown liquid, “No. Nothing like that, just some taboo information that our good friend Ryuzaki opted not to tell us,” 

Matsuda frowned, “Taboo?” 

“Yeah,” He scoffed, tapping the glass with the palm of his finger- eyes hard and jaw set. His eyes quickly darted from one side of the nearly empty bar to the other, now staring down his whiskey. “Let’s just say,” He spoke in a low voice, “I am certainly glad Ryuzaki doesn’t go to the gym. I would pity any man who had to share a locker room alone with him.” Aizawa threw the rest of his drink down his throat and loudly set the empty glass on the table, the silence thick and palpable. 

No one said anything for a long time. No one moved their drinks or spoke. Light looked down at the table, eyes hard, waiting for someone to break the silence; someone had to release him from this torture, and he couldn’t be the one to speak up. 

When Soichiro scoffed, picking up his glass, all eyes turned to him, “Well. I can’t say I am surprised,” He grumbled. The rest of the squad nodded in agreement, all going back to their idle actions. 

“I mean, I always had my suspicions,” Matsuda said, “He is a pretty weird guy and something always seemed a bit off when we were alone together. I just chalked it up to Ryuzaki being Ryuzaki but now that I know- like I  _ know _ ...” He shifted uncomfortably in his seat, hand coming up to rub the back of his neck, “Uck… I need to go home and have a shower,” 

Soichiro then locked eyes with Light, “Light, if that Ryuzaki ever made a pass at you or made you feel-” 

“Father, I promise you everything was fine,” Light muttered, responding to his father but his head was elsewhere, “I never even knew, or considered it a possibility, actually,”

Aizawa frowned, tapping the table harshly with his index finger, “With the chain, when you had to shower, or use the restroom, what did you even-” 

“There was a hook in the bathroom, so there was at least some semblance of privacy,” Light opted to keep the fact that there were cameras covering every inch of the bathroom to himself. 

Soichiro seemed unsatisfied with that answer, “I was never a fan of that chain situation, none of us were, but we all trusted Ryuzaki. Now- now that I know my son was chained for months on end to some pervert…” He steady his rising voice but Soichiro was gripping his glass so hard, Light was worried it would shatter under his hold. 

“It is just wrong,” Aizawa chimed in, Mogi nodding along, unenthusiastically, “Morally, completely wrong.” 

“Here, here,” Matsuda echoed, cheerlessly. “Those are the kinds of people Kira should take care of,” 

Light’s eyes widened, shaking his head, “Matsuda, don’t talk like that,” 

Aizawa shook his head, a short emotionless laugh was followed with an omission from the other detective. “This may just be the whiskey talking, but instead of FBI agents and business men, maybe Kira could work on keeping those kinds of people out of society. I don’t need queers around, I have 2 kids,” 

Soichiro nodded, “It is a pity. Can’t imagine how Ryuzaki’s parent’s must feel. Maybe they know and that’s why he is the way he is,” 

“Pity the pair of them,” 

“Yeah,” 

Light said nothing. Soichiro continued, “Glad I don’t have to worry about that. Sayu talks about that Hideki Ryuga on too many occasions to count, and that Ms. Amane is more than treating Light here well,” 

Eyes hard set on his Father, Light asked his dad a question that had been on the tip of his tongue since Aizawa’s information had been revealed. “Father, what would you do if-” 

Cutting him off, Soichiro looked at Light seriously, “If that happened, I wouldn’t need some magical notebook. I’d take my marksman training and deal with it myself,” 

Light smiled, chuckling, “Of course, Father,” 

Light’s fingernails were gripping the inside of his palm, the force at which was nearing the point of drawing blood. He was doing his best to remain cool and collected, but the more the men talked the more his anger was becoming all consuming: a threat that was rearing its ugly head and threatening to crawl out of his throat with an ear splitting cry of rage. 

“I think I need the restroom,” Light stood up stiffly, 4 pairs of concerned eyes on him. He gave them a curt nod, “Gentlemen,” And walked quickly to the other side of the bar. 

The restroom was a unisex single stall that Light opened with more forced then neccesarry and locked the door. He stumbled over to the sink, switching it on the coldest setting. Balling up his fists, he slammed them down onto the dirty ceramic, a frustrated cry erupting from him. 

“Son of a bitch!” Light choked out. Neat fingernails gripped the sides of the sink, chilling water splashing and threatening to soak the edges of Light’s expensive button up, but he barely noticed that fact, as he was mentally steeling himself to not allow the hot tears he felt bubbling to spill. Crying in any capacity was wasted energy, and even more so, he didn’t want to have to explain the tear tracks on his cheeks to any of his much older colleagues. 

“Geez, you look like a mess,” A gravelly voice phased. Light looked in the mirror in front of him and saw Ryuk’s wide eyes staring back at his reflection. 

Light scoffed, looking away from the mirror, “Welcome back, where have you been, Ryuk?” 

Ryuk floated closer to the sink, casually wiggling his fingers, “I was nagging some cherries from the bartender. Not as good as apples but I’ll take what I can get,” 

“Does fruit even taste different to Shinigamis?” 

“Oi oi, what is that supposed to mean,” Ryuk frowned.  Light shrugged his shoulders, sighing. Ryuk put a thumb to his chin, “It is clear I missed something. You going to fill me in, Light?” 

For the first time since entering the bathroom, Light felt about 7% calmer. He took a deep breath, studying the brown eyes of his reflection. Still rimmed with red, but not nearly as dam breaking as before. He turned around to face the Shinigami, casually leaning against the sink, arms crossed. 

“Aizawa just told me some information,” 

“Eh?” 

“Information about L,” 

Ryuk laughed wildly. Flipping himself upside-down, he continued to cackle, “Isn’t that just interesting. What did he say? Is your plan going to be a little easier?” 

Light crossed his arms, refusing to look at Ryuk’s animated movements, and instead inspected a cracked tile in the otherwise pristine floor, “No. Aizawa told me that L is gay,” 

“Eh?” Ryuk flipped himself upright and stood on the floor normally, curiously looking at the human, “Well, I suppose that is fine… Though I guess that means it isn’t with you. I didn’t realise that you were uh, what’s the human word for it...” Ryuk scratched his hair, and Light quirked up an eyebrow, “Oh. Didn’t know you were homophonic,” 

Light frowned, “What?” 

“Homophonic. You don’t like gay people,” 

Running a hand through his hair Light sighed, “It is homophobic, not homophonic. Homophonic has to do with music,” Light turned back to the water that was still running and rolled up his sleeves, idly washing his hands, “I didn’t think you would get this much stupider after being away from me for so long,” 

Ryuk defensively put his hands up, talking to Light’s reflection, “Hey, don’t look at me. You humans are the weird ones, making up gender and sex and all these words we don’t have in the Shinigami realm. It’s confusing sometimes, ok?” Light didn’t respond as he pulled some paper towels from the holder and dried his hands, “Either way, I didn’t know you were homophobic. Hyuk, probably makes you want to kill L more, doesn’t it,” 

Light’s eyes flashed red, and in an instant, he kicked the plastic bin across the room in a blind rage of fury, “Of  _ course  _ it doesn’t!” Dried towels littered the ground, Ryuk slapping one away from himself as it floated onto his shoulder, “But apparently if you don’t fit into the perfect straight mold that we have been told, all morals go out the window!” His back hit the wall, and Light sunk down onto the floor, Ryuk still standing in shock, “All of the detectives out there said that they would want to rid the world of anyone who was different. No matter how hard working, or what they do, or how much they are worth to society, if you don’t fit that mold, you are better off dead. They said they L would be better off dead, that-” He paused, picking at a loose string on his pants, tugging on it and idly throwing it away, “My own father said he would kill me,” 

Ryuk stood next to Light in stunned silence, only a couple times before had he seen the man lose his temper and each time he was unsure of how to respond to it. He began picking up the towels littered on the ground, “So, Light, are you saying that you’re…” 

Chuckling dryly, Light shook his head, “I thought this kind of thing didn’t matter to Shinigamis?” 

“No, but it matters to you humans. Besides, this is very interesting,” 

Light rested his head against his knees, staring at the crack in the tile again, “I don’t want to label myself, not really. Like you said, it is a dumb human thing.” Biting his thumbnail, Light thought for a moment about what he wanted to say, “I was about 13 when I realised I couldn’t relate to my friends. I thought I was smarter than them for not caring about kissing girls and spin the bottle. I pretty much wrote off relationships altogether. It wasn’t until Misa that I realised what was wrong,” 

“Eh? Misa?” 

“Yeah, I know,” A rare smile formed on Light’s face. Rare because he was talking about Misa, someone who he regarded as one of the banes of his existence, “She was rambling on one day, and told me that she also likes girls in the way she likes me. Granted, she immediately went on to say she would never leave me, and we were soulmates, but those words kept me up because I never even realised it was an option. 

“I did some research and some of the greatest minds on Earth were also queer in some capacity. Alan Turing, Julius Caesar, Ihara Saikaku- all great people who made waves in history. And yet,” Light made fists with his hands, “Some people, some idiots would believe they were better off dead just because of who they choose to lay with. 

“I may have a personal bias, but if the Gods never cared about gender and sex, then why would I when passing judgement? You said it yourself, Ryuk: it is merely a human constructed concept. I am far above viewing people as just that. It is simply an aspect of yourself, not who you are. Your actions are far more important. Be a useful, moral member of society and why does it matter who you sleep with?” 

Ryuk finished cleaning up the towels and sat on the floor across from Light, “Heh, and the detectives don’t share that same sentiment?” 

“Yeah,” Light’s voice dripped with venom, “They told all of us multiple times to not pass judgement off of one action, and yet my father said he would put a gun to my head and if I kissed a boy he would shoot me dead,” 

Ryuk tilted his head to the side, “Guess we finally found the greyness in your morality,” He cackled wildly, but Light was not amused. 

Light sat up straight, looking Ryuk straight into his eyes, “I don’t need those kinds of people in my world,” He spoke with finality, and tapped open the secret compartment of his watch, the small corner piece of the Death Note blank and ready for him. 

“Light, wait,” Ryuk’s eyes widened and he took a couple steps towards him, towering over Light. He frowned, red anger brewing in his pupils, “I am not supposed to help, not really, but please think, ok? For one, this is your father we are talking about, you can’t-” 

“Ryuk, he said he would kill me!” Light stood up and shouted, all care for staying calm left him, “He said I would be better off dead, how am I supposed to take that?” 

“Alright,” He responded, the almost 7 foot Shinigami felt very small all the sudden, “What about this? You and the task force leave headquarters for the first time in months. You disappear to the bathroom and all the task force is dead except for you. What conclusion is L going to draw from that, hm?”

Light threw his pen across the room, hitting and marking the wall it connected with, “So what should I do, then, huh? Just let them all walk around, making judgements about those who didn’t do anything?” He made fists with his hands, not paying any attention to pain, fury and rage was all Light felt now. Drops of blood trickled down his palm and under his nails- he finally broke the skin. “They don’t deserve any of that, so why did my father say that? Why do they get to decide what is moral? Where is the justice for them!” His breath got more and more ragged, to the point of hyperventilation. Light suddenly felt very, very dizzy. 

When he was a young child, after he just learned how to swim, Light would go off the diving board and teeter at the edge of it, testing gravity. Challenging it. He wanted to fly. He thought he could cheat it somehow. If he ran quick enough, if he closed his eyes, if he acted casual as he stepped off the board, but everytime the wind on his face and the unforgiving coldness of the pool water let him know that Light had failed. Getting the Death Note was the closest he felt to defying gravity. Light could step off the board now and simply float; floating high above the gravity that pulled him down, and high above the water that wanted to engulf him. 

However, for the first time since he got the Note, Light was no longer floating: Light was drowning. Gravity was forcing him underwater, suffocating him. It was filling up his lungs and choking him. Is this the grim misfortune that Ryuk said to him? Is this how it feels like to be held underwater- thrashing and crying and begging for the element to relent? To release it’s hold and breathe? Light can’t imagine the real thing feeling any other way. 

A knock on the door brought Light back to land. He stayed silent as he listened to the voice outside the door, “Light? You doing ok in here? Your dad is worried about you and…” 

Matsuda trailed off. Light paused for a moment, and walked himself to the other side of the bathroom, raising his voice, “Yeah, I am ok. Just, uh, the drink I had before the beer was pretty strong, and I didn’t eat beforehand so, uh, y’know,” 

“Oh, are you ok?” 

“Yeah,” Light struggled to keep his voice even.

_ “Something always seemed a bit off when we were alone together…”  _

“I am all good, Matsuda,” 

_ “Uck… I need to go home and have a shower…”  _

“I appreciate your concern,” 

Matsuda stayed silent for a minute before responding, “We are about to head out. Do you want us to wait or-” 

“Go on ahead,” Light responded immediately, “I’ll get Watari to call me a car or something,” 

Matsuda sighed, “As long as you are sure, but just let someone know when you get back. I’ll tell Soichiro you aren’t feeling well,” 

Light listened to the detective’s retreating footsteps. He closed the lid on the toilet and put his head in his hands, “I want to kill them,” Ryuk cackled wildly, causing Light to look up, “What? Unless you have something helpful to contribute I-” 

Ryuk floated, spinning himself above Light, “You could kill them, that is easy. Killing is like breathing to you, Kira,” He laughed again, “But trust me when I say that there are much more creative, much more fun forms of punishment,” 

Light’s interest was piqued, he looked at the Shinigami with curiosity, “What exactly are you thinking?” 

Shrugging, he began to phase through the wall, “I am not going to tell you what to do, that is all up to you, Light. However-” Ryuk’s head was all that was remaining in the room, a smile even more wicked than his usual one plastered on his face, “-maybe you should talk to your pal, L, about what you learned today,” 

Cackling, Ryuk left the room, but Light alone with his thoughts. It didn’t even take 3 minutes for Light to come up with a plan. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L and Light have a talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heavy on the symbolism in this one, boys, but y'know. If every other scene in Death Note is a religious allegory then why can't I have that.

Light entered the task force headquarters quietly. There was no one sitting in front of the large monitors for once, but they were still streaming the footage from the cameras in everyone's room. He looked up and on a smaller screen he saw L’s room; the detective quietly working on his laptop.

Walking to the elevator with purpose, Light rode it up to the floor L was staying on. The path to his room he had taken so many times over the months they were chained together, he wouldn’t be surprised if his footsteps were burned into the hotel-esque carpet he was walking under.

He stood outside L’s door, and it was only then that Light felt a slight nervousness creeping over him, hovering behind him. He sent Ryuk away (distracting the flighty Shinigami with a basket of apples in a blindspot of the cameras) so he knew it was his own anxieties over the looming conversation with the man.

“ _The worst he can say is no_ ,” Light told himself.

He punched in the code to enter the room. The lock clicked and Light walked in, immediately meeting L’s gaze, his wide eyes narrowed with confusion.

“Light,” He said simply, closing the lid of his laptop, “I was mildly concerned about where you had run off to since you did not return with the others,”

Light shrugged, “Am I not free now to leave headquarters whenever I want? I am not chained to Matsuda,”

L pressed his thumb to his lips, “Yes, I feel as though there would be even more physical altercations between you two than there were with us.” Light didn’t respond, and his eyes scanned the room, noting how the room had changed. The typically neat coffee table was now scattered with papers in L’s messy handwriting. The bed which Light himself really only slept in seemed to be untouched since the last time he was in it.

L’s cross the room, shoving his hands in his pockets, “It is late, Light, and you have your own room. Did Watari forget something when he transferred your belongings into your space?”

Chuckling, Light shook his head, “A few days ago we were together 24/7, now it feels like you are trying to get rid of me.” L’s expression was unreadable, so Light continued, “I actually wanted to talk to about something, Ryuzaki,”

“Oh. Is this in regards to the Death Note?”

“Oh, uh, no. This actually has nothing to do with the case,” This surprised L, his expression flickered with an emotion Light could not place, “Forgive me for assuming, but were you tapped into the conversation that the rest of the detectives and myself had at Shirokuma?”

L rubbed his feet on top of each other, looking pointedly away from Light, “I choose not to come to the bar with you guys, why would I know what was discussed?”

“That is not what I asked, Ryuzaki,”

L bit his lip and sighed, making his way over to his laptop. Light followed as he was inputting his password, “Fine. I was able to tap into the bar security system and observed you all using the cameras there. There is no audio.”

Light smiled in spite of himself. His suspicions about L observing them had been on the mark as usual. He knew the man all too well.

“Well, at one point, in the conversation, we began discussing you.”

“Naturally.” L tapped his lips with his index finger.

“And Aizawa told us something, Ryuzaki, something that he was told by Wedy and Aiber,” L’s tics stopped immediately. HIs face flickered with that same emotion from before, but this time it lasted longer, and Light could now see it was panic on the young detective's face. “I am sure you can piece together what was discussed,”

L crossed the room, staring at an old blackboard that had information about the Yotsuba group. Light could sense the nerves radiating off of L, but he was doing his best to act unaffected by the news.

“I felt as though disclosing my sexuality to everyone would cause unnecessary problems. I have kept it to myself for long enough, I have gotten quite good at hiding that part of me away. Moreover, my preferences are not important to the Kira case, so there was no reason to bring it up in the first place,” He faced away from the board and looked at Light, sorrow in his expression, “I will not apologise for that. However, I do want to apologise to you, specifically, Light,” L bit his thumbnail, looking down at the carpet, “I realise now that being handcuffed to someone who you now realise is attracted to the same gender could be seen as uncouth. I would be lying if I said the implications of it had not crossed my mind a couple times. I did not want to bring it up because I feared it would have created unnecessary tension, and I assumed you would never find out. I am sorry, Light,”

Light shrugged, “I am going to be honest, I never would have guessed,”

“Like I said before, I am good at hiding aspects of myself away for the comfort of others,” L expression changed when he told Light; the eye contact was more intense and vengeful, and Light got the feeling they were not talking about queerness anymore.

“Ryuzaki, I want to assure you your apology is unnecessary. I completely see why you did not disclose that information to me. You have a right to your privacy.” He sighed, sitting down on the bed, “I am only sorry that you got outed,”

L stayed silent and Light inspected the laces on his shoes, wanting to take them off but not wanting to look as though he was getting too comfortable around L- this was a difficult conversation to have and he wouldn’t blame him if he kicked Light out at a moment’s notice.

“I can only assume the others did not take it well, and that is why you are here,” L stiffly shoved his hands in his pockets, Light could only assume it was to prevent himself from biting his nails down the stubs- a bad habit he noticed of L’s after their months together. L interpreted Light’s silence and sighed, rubbing his feet over one another, “Hm. Well. I suppose it could have ended worse,”

“Ended?”

L sat down next to Light on the bed, maybe a little too closely, but it somehow felt too far. L blinked slowly at Light, and he felt a harsh pang in his heart looking L in the eyes, “Us, the detectives, you and I… We will be parting ways soon.”

The silence hanging over the room was palpable. Light wasn’t sure how to respond. He knew he was right. Just hours beforehand, he was working and making plans for L’s demise, “Ryuzaki.” Light kept looking at L, “It doesn’t have to be that way,”

L looked at Light, vulnerability and heartbreak in his eyes, “There was never any other way,”

Even though he was unable to place precisely why, he felt his anger rising, Light clenched his fists, venom dripping in his voice , “Why are you speaking like this, Ryuzaki? Stop talking like it’s over, like you have no choice,”

L pressed a thumb against his lips, softly speaking, “Well, it is no longer up to me, is it, Light?”

They had been at this impasse for a while now, ever since those many months ago when L revealed himself to Light at To-Oh. The task force may believe his act of innocence, and Misa may believe he is just being clever, but L and Light have known the truth for a very long time. So much has happened since then, so much has changed. It is hard to say whether or not Light had evolved after all this time, and Light still believed that after all everything, he is still the same. And yet, the hard truth is, deep down, Light has changed. Maybe it is the conversation he had with the task force and Ryuk only hours earlier, maybe it is the months of being together, maybe it is the greys in his morality that were previously drained from Light’s world coming back as quickly as it did when his memory of the Death Note were returned; Light was looking this complicated, quiet man in the eyes- Hideki Ryuga, Ryuzaki, L, and he finally has to confront the truth he has been putting off for so long: he doesn’t have the strength to let L die.

Light tore his gaze away from L, idly flooding with his thumbs. They didn’t speak for a while. L pulled his knees up to his chest and bit the skin around his nail, neither of them sure of what to say.

Light sighed, catching L’s attention. He leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees, “Ryuzaki, do you know who one of my biggest inspirations is? Who I attempt to model my life after?”

He pondered this for a moment. “Your father?”

“Correct,” Light responded, staring at the carpet, “He always had such a strong sense of right and wrong- a strong sense of justice. Being raised by him was a privilege in more ways than one. He taught me so much about honor and fairness at such a young age. I respected my father more than anyone else in the world,”

L dropped his finger from his lips, “Respected?”

Light sat up straight, his body stiffening. He dug his nails into his knees, keeping the previous embers of anger smothered, “When we were at the bar, talking about what Aizawa had said, I almost understood where he was coming from. Older generation. It is no excuse, but I felt as though it was something to agree to disagree on. And then...” Light cut himself off, balling his fists. He winced in pain at the previously made cuts on his palms, releasing his grip.

L inspected his motions, and slowly moved closer to him, “Light.” He softly grabbed his wrists and opened his palms, the raw, angry half-moon cuts still indented into his palms. “You’re hurt.” L rubbed the marks on his palms slowly and with care, but it still caused Light to wince slightly.

“He said that if he ever found out I even kissed another man, he would kill me himself,” He spoke softly, almost unsure if the words escaped his throat.

L stopped his small movements over his hands. Wordlessly, he made his way to the bathroom and came back with a damp washcloth and hydrogen peroxide. He sat next to Light again, dampening his hands with wet cloth.

“Light’s father said that he would kill him if he was gay,” L spoke softly as he washed his hands with the washcloth, “This made Light angry, and hurt himself,”

Light stayed silent for a moment, L moving onto his right hand to wash, “It sounds foolish now,”

“I don’t think so,”

Swallowing thickly, Light responded, “I just always regarded my father so highly; I saw him as this honor bound man with a strong moral code. But when he said that to me… Something shifted. He can be this man with a strong sense of justice, but has ideals that are so backwards,” L looked like he wanted to say something, he opened his mouth to speak but closed it again. He instead poured the alcohol onto the wash cloth, telling Light it was going to sting a bit. Light already knew this. “I was upset. There are worse things in this world than a boy kissing another boy, and there are so many incredible people through time who were queer, and even now. To write them all off because of something like that is foolish,”

L nodded, “So, you were upset because of your father’s narrow view on the world?”

“Yes,” Light watched L’s careful hands as he rubbed over and inspected every cut, “The way they think about it all… If I tried I would never understand…” L’s fingers lingered on Light’s hand for a second longer before moving onto the left hand. He felt his heart beating in his chest, “And I have to be honest… There may have been a personal vendetta as well,” He said softly.

L’s movements stopped completely, hand resting in hand, as he looked up. He inspected Light’s face, his eyes wide, “Light, you are telling the truth this time, aren’t you?”

Nodding, he tore his gaze away from the other man, “Yes. You were honest with me, it is only fair,”

“I didn’t have a choice,”

“You could have denied it,”

“Would you have believed me?”

“I don’t know,”

L stayed silent. He pulled his hands away to put more rubbing alcohol on the washrag. Light knew the cuts were already clean. He didn’t mind.

“Your father found out I was gay,” L grabbed the back of Light’s hand with one of his, and wash the palm with the other, “He said that he would kill Light himself if he ever kissed someone of the same gender. Scorchio assumed himself to be speaking hypothetically, but you are gay. The connection follows that Light realised that no matter how much his father loves him, he would still want him dead because of something out of his control,” Light said nothing, paying close attention to the movements of L’s hands and the words out of his mouth, “Light went to the bathroom once that was said, broke down, and hurt himself,” L looked at Light, genuine concern in his eyes, “Do I need to worry about future self-mutilation?”

Light shook his head, “No. It was one time, and an accident. It was just… Jarring to hear,”

“I can imagine,” L pulled his hands away, “Do you need bandages?” Light shook his head and L nodded, “I understand,” He went back to the bathroom to wash his hands, and came out. “So, you are here now,” He sat back down next to Light.

“Ryuzaki,” He turned to L, “After I found out. I got angry. I was filled with rage and didn’t know what to do with it.” Light swallowed steeling himself for his next sentence, “I wanted to hurt them. All of them,” L’s expression didn’t change or warp like he expected it to. He almost wanted to laugh.

_Right. Stalemate._

“They are writing you off because of it, and they would do the same thing to me if they knew. I was angry, I still am. Hurting them won’t change anything. They aren’t going to change their minds either. They need to be taught a lesson, all of them.”

L blinked slowly at Light, “Light. Tell me. What are you doing here?”

“Revenge. But I need your help, Ryuzaki,” L said nothing, Light talked quicker, “I have an idea. But it involves you, and I need you to be fully on board,” Tilting his head, he looked skeptical, “Ryuzaki, aren’t you tired of it all? Are you sick of just waiting for things to get better, constantly having to hide that piece of yourself, terrified that if it came out everything would fall apart?” Light sighed, “The whole damn system is broken right now, way beyond our repair. We both know that. But I am not above some payback, and I know you are not either,”

L put a thumb to his lips, pondering. Light could almost hear the internal monologue he was having with himself, but the words are muddy in his mind, as his heart was thumping loudly into his ears. The debate ended, and L looked back into Light’s eyes, a small smirk grew behind his thumb, “What do we need to do?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is shorter than the last chapter, but don't worry, next week you guys get the 6.5k finale. 
> 
> Let me know if you enjoyed this. What is the plan? I haven't updated the tags yet, but if you just listen to Parents by Yungblud you can figure out what they are going to do. Was this whole thing just an excuse to kiss each other? Maybe. 
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr: cthulhuliet

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know if you enjoyed!
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr: cthulhuliet


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